John
Karen and I met on the beach in the summer of 76’ in Southern California. We were young teenagers but we instantly fell madly in love. I can still remember the day I told her I loved her. We were sittin in my old Chevy truck parked at the same beach where we met a couple weeks prior.
To put it bluntly, we were living a crazy party lifestyle. Sex, drugs and rock n roll. Not the strongest of foundations to start a relationship on but after three years, we said our vows before God at the gorgeous Wayfarers Chapel overlooking the Ocean, close to where we met. Even though we didn’t know God quite yet.
My upbringing wasn’t exactly what you would call “typical,” although I didn’t know any different at the time. I had multiple men in and out of my life, including 5 step fathers. Alcohol, anger, neglect and abandonment were all a common thread. Nevertheless, I was a pretty happy kid.
I accepted any painful experiences unknowingly and found escape into my own world through surfing, skateboarding and pornography at the age of about 13. I tucked this wounded little boy into tiny crevices and hidden corners of my heart. I was taught early on to take any feelings and…
“Shove em down, put on a big ole happy smile, and act like everything is great!” kinda attitude.
Karen
Growing up for me, I would say was pretty ‘normal” Although we didn’t talk about God, we never prayed once, nor had I opened or ever read a Bible. Yet, somehow my parents managed to demonstrate a pretty good example of what a loving marriage looked like. They recently celebrated 64th anniversary. They immigrated from England, to Canada and then to Southern California where I was born. My mom worked for a large architectural firm in downtown Los Angeles for 35 years (this is where I discovered my love for architecture and design)
My grandmother Nanny, whom I dearly loved and felt very close to, moved back to England when I was about 7. She encountered a personal relationship with God after my granddad passed away. She fell in love with teaching Sunday school in a this beautiful little historic “stone” church in Whitstable, Kent, England. A quaint seaside fishing town until she went home to be with Jesus. I know with all my heart it was her prayers that manifested and the seeds she planted that cultivated our new desire and love for God not long after she passed.
My siblings and I could do anything we wanted everyday after school, since our parents were working. When when I turned 14, boy did I! It wasn’t long before I found myself in all kinds of trouble and then… I met John, at our local beach hangout. ( more trouble haha) I was only 15-1/2.
You know- he was that really cute surfer guy with the light brown hair, green eyes and surfboard under his arm.
John
She was beautiful. Natural wavy blonde, sun kissed hair, surfer girl, bronzed skin, beautiful light brown eyes glistening in the California sun. I knew in my heart the moment I saw her she was a special one. (little did I know, how special!)
We had been married about 3 long months, when John suggested we settle down and have a baby… welp, we were pregnant the next month and at nineteen, I gave birth to our first baby, little girl named Jamie. We were babies ourself, but she was the best thing that ever happened to us.
It was through her (and Nanny’s prayers) where we found God’s love and saw the blessings. In that joy, we accepted Christ as our Savior and He began to transform our hearts and lives with real meaning and purpose.
Our family continued to grow, as did John’s Construction business. We went on to have 3 more babies by the time I was 27.
( ya, basically, I would blink and get pregnant )
John
We were well-known in our community growing up locally and our kids were involved in competitive sports. We served in Ministry and our Construction Company was growing as fast as our family. We built our company on a firm foundation of character and integrity and whether in good or difficult economic times, we called it “God’s company” for all He had done.
We outgrew our first little home by the beach and found a beautiful horse property close to our church on an acre and a half. Karen designed a country farmhouse, I built it. We knew it was all God’s blessing and we called it His home. With grateful hearts, we dedicated it to Him.
We were a great team! We shared our story often, how blessed and grateful we were for what God and done in our lives.
Karen
God put this nudge in my heart to have more kids. I had the first 4 before I was 27 years old. I wasn’t exactly sure what that meant at the time but through lots of prayer, He answered in a way only God can. He brought us two wonderful blessings through adoption. It was the coolest story and these kiddos have blessed our life so abundantly and completed our family in the most amazing ways. Another God story we need to share with y’all one day.
3 boys and 3 girls in order. Our own little Brady bunch.
We hosted tons of ministry events in our new home and every summer hundreds of kids would hang out, worship and get baptized in our pool.
John
Ya, It was pretty awesome. Our home was lucky enough to be featured in Country Home and Country Living magazines and we even got paid for photo shoots from Target and Johnnyville sausage Co. Heres a picture of one of our covers. 🙂
I was leading men’s Bible studies in our home and the vice president of a local Woman’s shelter God allowed our company to build.
Karen
Our kids attended Christian school and loved their youth groups. We were super busy serving in ministry, carpooling, schoolwork, sports, church activities and usually had a baby or 2 in tow, but incredibly blessed!
I was living my dream.
But ..something started to change and my life emerged into something I could never of imagined, ever.
John
Hmmm ya, “our dreams” weren’t working for “me” anymore. All” I “cared about was what “I “Wanted. She was inhibiting my goals and the way “I” wanted to live “MY” life” I “ sought to follow “my” ambitions and the last person” I “wanted to deal with, was her.” I “convinced myself this life of marriage was nothing more than a burden and “I “already had a job.
Through the buildup of many hurts I generated and that “get over it” kind of attitude when it came to my wife. My lack of heartfelt feelings and a new burden of hiding from “myself” God, or anyone who would attempt to convict these desires.
I began to conceal my life with a smile on my face (exactly how I was taught right?}
The constant self-talk soon turned into a hostility and resentment toward my wife. All” I “cared about was what “I” thought and what” I “deserved. I created a constant resentment towards her and wanted to go my own way. I couldn’t keep up the facade much longer, I also decided I didn’t want to attend church anymore and blamed it on Karen.
My heart was hardening, one compromise at a time. I was so foolishly blinded in search ( an empty search) for “freedom” tired of my responsibilities. ( oh please John you had the life!)
Karen
I tried for so long, everything I could but nothing would stop him. 🙁
John
My family became nothing but a burden to me and the last thing I wanted was to listen to my wife.
Just call me, Mr. Runner.
Karen
I tried to respect him as a good Christian wife should and I tried to understand the stress he was under and his desires to get away. I thought if I did this or that or looked this way, his heart would change. But nothing I did, mattered. I tried and I tried and I cried, an awful lot.
I lost myself in the mess. The quiet way didn’t work so I resulted in freaking out, screaming and begging him to stop but he would only walk away in extreme anger and leave for the night. His phone would be turned off and I’d never get a reply. I became apprehensive to speak up and found myself alone most of the time with our children, at school and church events, special occasions and birthday parties.
I resigned to tolerating a lot of verbal and emotional abuse out of the fear of losing my marriage. I was so scared of losing him but actually, he was already gone. I continued to enable this very unhealthy pattern. I had no boundaries, no voice and no self worth.
( the CraZy TraIN ) Call me: Mrs. Pleaser.
Nights alone soon turned into weekends, then eventually weeks. Things continued to get worse with nothing left for me to do except… keep praying for his heart and hand him over to God.
go figure right?
John
I continued to backslide and ignore my convictions. While my wife added more pressure to my already burdensome ways. I considered “her judgment of my actions” to blame and a superb rationalization for my desire to leave.
The enemy had been persistent with me until I willingly joined him and let that door of danger swing wide open! He used my thoughts and desires to lure me away and lead me toward my own demise.
Knowing and serving the Lord wholeheartedly during those years, I vividly remember the feeling when I was driving down a Houston highway headed to Hurricane Katrina relief with full revelation that there was an enemy on the prowl who wanted to take me down.
Yet… I ignored the warning signs and continued putting one foot in front of the other headed right into the deepest darkest pit of my life. ( hmm, maybe that’s why they say “don’t give the enemy a foothold”)
I had personally known God’s heart and witnessed His Spirit firsthand do some amazing things in Louisiana, right before my eyes.
My double mindedness eventually came to a crossroads. I could no longer continue pretending to be a man in The Spirit, while walking on the edge of sin. Therefore, I deliberately leaped into the pit with my pride in tow, proceeding my own downfall.
I’d been contemplating that day for a quite sometime, fantasizing over ”the freedom” of open country roads, hunting, fishing, and surfing in Baja. I couldn’t wait to do whatever the heck” I” wanted.
It was like I made a deal with the devil that day. I would accept my entrance to hell, rather than face God or my wife. I actually told Karen ” I was fine going to hell.”
“To heck with it John, just do it!” So, I did!
I took off after work that Friday and went surfing in Mexico for the weekend, then headed to the ranch for some hunting. It felt pretty darn good at first. I was finally freeeeee.
Karen
Yep. It was Mother’s Day weekend when I discovered on that Friday evening, John didn’t come home. I knew in my gut right then, he was gone and wasn’t coming back this time.
My biggest fear became my reality. I was sick inside and I can’t even begin to describe the anguish I had in my heart that night. Devastation overtook me, I didn’t know how I was going to make it through the weekend.
It was Mother’s day, Husbands bring their wives to church and honor them right? But there I was alone, a mom with 6 kids, left, unwanted, unloved, and abandoned by my husband.
(I wanted to curl up and die)
But God… gave me the strength to attend church and get through the day. Our kids were wonderful, they showered me with love even though they had their own pain on that unforgettable day.
On that following Monday, I sat alone, staring out the window of my dream home.. all of my dreams shattered. I’d cry myself to sleep every night. I’d leave messages on his phone, with no response. I had never been so broken in my life..
The process of “letting go” was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18 ESV)
It was in that realization, I heard God gently whisper to my heart…
“Am I enough Karen?
I began to understand it was time get out of God’s way. I was ready to surrender my heart completely, as well as entrust Him with my husband’s.
I could only be responsible for me, for the ways I behaved and how I responded. I stopped texting him and trying to reach out in my pain. Crying, begging and pleading only pushed him further away anyway and made me miserable and crazy.
(Seriously, I was one hot mess!)
I felt The Lord say “wait on Me, not your husband.”
I felt so alone, But I also realized, He was with me-He was enough.
HE IS MORE THAN ENOUGH!
“ Let all that I am wait quietly before God,
for my hope is in him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress where I will not be shaken.
My victory and honor come from God alone.
He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me.”
Psalm 62:5-7
I finally asked God what He wanted in me. I asked Him what He wanted in MY HEART.
I knew our kids were watching and we had told them about Jesus their entire lives, it was time to walk out my faith in front of them. It was the hardest season of my life. I messed up often and made all kinds of mistakes, but God’s grace was always right there sufficient for each day. I would get back up and try again. His mercies are new every morning.
It took a while but I began to find moments of joy-I was no longer caught up in the anxiousness of John’s whereabouts. I stopped spending hours frantically searching for him.
I also knew I was in a spiritual battle. I plastered his side of our bathroom mirror with scripture the kids and I wrote. My own little war room (if you saw the movie you’ll know what I mean) and declared this battle belonged to the Lord.
I started to believe I was going to be okay, EVEN IF…. he never came home. I was ready to trust God with the outcome and although I never stopped praying for our marriage, my focus shifted.
I had an amazing counselor (we’d get on our knees and pray) I joined Celebrate recovery.
I learned to resist the lies, insert the truth and found my value in Christ.
I am worthy
I am enough
I am significant
I am enough
I am loved
and I’m a daughter of the most High King!
I learned what “healthy, loving boundaries” looked like and did some really deep work in my heart. I had a lot of pain to process and many losses to grieve. I painfully accepted my new reality and the fact that my life would never be the same. That was really tough for me.
I continued to pray for John’s heart this time, in a different way. I felt empathy towards him and saw my circumstances from an entirely new perspective. God gave me a renewed understanding and revealed my husband’s wounded heart. I felt compassion for him.
“Hurting people hurt people.”
“God is in the midst of her, she will not be moved; God will help her when morning dawns.”
Psalms 46:5 NASB
But God.. He continued to prepare and equip me for the next steps of this journey.
(Yup, it gets even tougher)
John
At first It felt good to wake up and greet a new morning, feed the horse’s, work and improve the property.
But one early morning I was deep in thought on my tractor while cutting the fields, as the Texas fog was lifting. I recalled a familiar voice in my head saying.
“I was lonely” asking myself, “ What have I done?’
It certainly didn’t take very long to figure out this new life of mine had me thinking about what I left behind, already.
(What a concept, huh?) Karen had stopped pressuring me, although I still felt trapped. My lies now weighed heavily upon me, perplexed as to why I left in the first place. I felt this “stuck” feeling like there was no way out. “I chose this, I deserved it and there’s no going back.”
I was unable to pray, yet so burdened within my heart. I went into isolation and seclusion. I was too cowardly to face anyone so I retreated to our place there in Texas to hide as much as I could. Sin entangles.
But God… He was putting the pressure on. The fun and the parties were wearing off quickly.
I was experiencing an emptiness that couldn’t be filled no matter what I did. I would look at the people around me and shake my head.
The constant heaviness wouldn’t subside, no matter how far I ran or numbed through alcohol. The perpetual desire for freedom was driving me insane and right into a prison I was building with my very own hands. Locked in my den of sin, pride and lies, I was entangled in my own pathetic and fake world.
The consequences started rolling in, one after another yet I stubbornly refused to accept the obvious nudges from God and His attempts to get my attention. “Wake up Johnny!”
“Choose to sin, choose to suffer”
Looking back today, I realized that day on my tractor, satan and I had stolen the only true love of my life, my wife.
Sick in all my worthless excuses and justifications, while at home was a great wife, lover, friend and the only caring person in my life whom I walked out on.
Too darn prideful, cowardly and burdened with guilt to do anything. So, I stayed right where I was and” tried” to make a cozy little home at “the (pig) trough” and did absolutely nothing.
But.. God….. somethin about the Texas air was changing. My preoccupied fascination with watching the seasons change at the ranch evolved into mornings that were never quite the same. Seasons were changing alright…but not at all how I expected.
After many months, Karen and I had a moment of communication through a short text. Karen briefly shared that she had “prayed for my heart” at her church one night. That very moment, I felt them and replied to her right away.
Karen
I certainly wasn’t expecting a reply, nor did I want one at this point.
(He was the hot mess now!)
To my complete surprise, he responded immediately with “Wow Karen, I feel them, I’m miserable” and proceeded to send a picture with a Buck he had shot while hunting and said, “See that smile? It’s not real.”
God had been pursuing his heart while I was out-of-the-way. (go figure right?)
Well that moment was just the beginning of another…. V E R Y long year.
The struggle was REAL ya’ll but God… He continued to work, to pursue ….and be faithful.
John
The good ole-self talk was falling on deaf ears and I was burdened with a conviction that wouldn’t go away. This so called ”life of freedom” was weighing heavily upon me. I was in bondage, clinging ever so tightly to a new found conscience. (hmm maybe from my wife’s prayers?)
The fear of facing the woman so true to me was getting stronger and the voices in my head were getting louder. Shrouded behind years of lies, this new reality persisted to invade my mind.
“I cheated myself and my family.” and severed my relationship with God.
I hadn’t prayed in over two years. I couldn’t even say the name of Jesus. #TRUTH
“The wall of truth” collided with “The walls around my heart.” I remember the first time I stared at the stone wall it rattled something within me. The first turned into many nagging moments staring at the wall. A real dilemma for me. An awakening of a sorts, I would stare at those rocks on the wall in the house she had worked so hard to design for our family. (This is the actual wall)
The rock wall was pivotal in my discovery that I could never be satisfied because with what I had done and the hurt I had caused my wife. The one and only woman who truly loved me. What I hadn’t realized was at that rock wall I began to see my wife’s heart again. That was beautiful and painful at the same time. The lies came tumbling down at The wall of truth.
Karen- I had been praying this verse for his heart for years..
“I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of “stone” from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.” (Ezekiel 36:26 ESV)
My ROCK hard heart was softening (or shall I say crumbling) I would think about the first time I saw her, how beautiful she was. How we were best friends and how much I loved her. We had so little, but were so happy. I thought about the times in my truck we listened to music and I started to remember the wonderful blessings and memories we had together.
Wow, We really were a great team!
I felt a hurt and a heart for her I hadn’t felt in a very long time. No matter how far I attempted to run, I couldn’t get away from the truth and my life wasn’t worth living without her.
I had repeatedly asked God the same questions in the past, but this time it was different, I clearly heard His voice:
“I know what you’ve done, go back and tell her the truth and if she doesn’t accept you,
“I am more than enough.”
but… Johnny boy was still too scared! So it took many more months to get through the thick “mortar of my heart.”
I would see Karen’s heart and watch her care for me during this year as I continued to battle the guilt and shame that had taken residence inside. I wallowed in my secrets which caused me to feel totally unworthy of the love I so desperately desired and saw the love of Jesus shine in her heart.
( I lived in a real life pit y’all ) I had been there for so long I believed I deserved to stay there, for good. The enemy would tell me, “I was too far gone.” I would start to climb out, then slip right back in!
Something was really changing now…I began to hear God’s voice as He gently whispered…
“Am I enough John?”
I was no easy fix for God, He had His work cut out with me, but I finally accepted my Redeemer had my sins. I was ready to stop running and surrender. I took a huge step and recommitted my life back to Christ. I repented and received Christ’s forgiveness and then, the hardest was actually choosing to forgive myself. The pride was falling..
Finally Johnboy, geez, can I get an amen?!
But God….. His love is relentless. He never gave up on me and He will never give up on you!
I blocked my heart from His love, just like I did with Karen. I cheated myself and my family for what? A life I “thought” I wanted. What a lie! It was WORTHLESS.
Darkness was unraveling in the light of Jesus. Godly sorrow came over me in waves of deep regret. I would see pictures of our kids and weep from the time lost and the hearts I hurt.
I say this without any excuses, but in complete honesty and for an understanding. The enemy used my painful and chaotic childhood to build a foundation from the very beginning. He managed to help me build those darn “walls around my heart “ brick by brick, in an effort to destroy myself and my family.
He kept me steeped in my shame and lured me away with so many lies through unhealthy coping skills. Like the ways I learned to comfort in: running, numbing, escaping and disconnecting, which made for an easy out. What a crock of lies!
I hadn’t shared with anyone, not even Karen that I had been sexually abused when I was young and that dirty little secret kept me locked up in fear and shame for most of my life. It was the constant reminder that “I wasn’t lovable or accepted” if anyone “really knew me.” they wouldn’t love me, so I put on a big Ole fake smile throughout my life.
Double minded and confused as time went by, with so much hurt. So many lies, so much of me, as if timeless sins were the only powerful things to come to my mind in this journey.
A journey I am so blessed to have taken although, at the dispense of others but broken open in a place vulnerability of truth.
I would tell myself “I’d never fall as low as that guy” but..I did because satan prowls around like a roaring lion waiting to devour your soul and mine. He looks for a crack,just a tiny hole to sliver into. Oblivious to me at the time, I bought it. I aloud the lies in my head from the thoughts of satan reminding me of my past. He attempted to destroy me from the early foundations in my life onto the strong foundations in my marriage and through my personal Faith in Christianity. His ammo set out to shoot me down and almost succeeded, but God wins!
I was weary and so tired of living a double life. I couldn’t run from God anymore.
I apprehensively agreed to attend Every Man’s Battle workshop, where I immediately met new brothers in Christ who also had fallen for the trap of lies of sexual integrity through comfort, numbing or escape. We understood each other instantly and realized we really weren’t alone. I found safety and healing amongst this community of authentic brotherhood. We found safety and accountability.
I came home from that weekend prepared to tell Karen everything.
I was ready to trust God, EVEN IF…. Karen couldn’t forgive me…so I drove to the house on that October night.
Karen
(shaking and scared) all of a sudden, I knew I was going to hear something much bigger than I had been lead to believe over these last 4 years…
John
I told her immediately. I admitted my addiction to pornography and the most painful part of our story, the betrayal, which I had lied to her for so long.
Karen
In one short moment, my heart shattered… all over again into a million pieces.
(I wanted to curl up and die, this time for reals)
I fell to the ground. I wasn’t prepared to hear what I heard, but it was there in the most painful moment of my life, I felt God as if He grabbed me with His own hands and lifted me back onto my feet. His strength engulfed my weakness in that darkest moment.
John
Completely broken, we surrendered together. We were in a real crisis and sometimes struggled to see any hope for redemption.
But God…
I’m so grateful for my wife. Karen surrendered her heart and waited on God. She never stopped praying for my heart and she helped me heal from a life of trapped traumas even though I treated her with total disregard, I broke her heart and abandoned her. She is my hero, she waited in faith and fixed her eyes on Jesus in her suffering. I hurt her more than any husband could ever hurt a wife, yet she remained obedient and stood steadfast. I will never forget what my angel did for me. She put herself behind, she trusted God, she fought for our family and held onto Hope in Jesus, even when… everything looked hopeless. I say this with genuine sorrow and deepest regret but I feel like I had to break Karen’s heart in order to find mine. 🙁
“But in all these things, we are overwhelmingly conquerors through Him who loved us.”
Romans 8:37 NASB
If you recall in the beginning of our story we share about how we came to Jesus in our joy as young parents.
This time…we came completely broken at His feet, with nothing but our broken hearts. He met us there and began to rebuild our marriage and restore our hearts.
I was willing to do whatever it took and repair the wreckage I caused. Our counselor guided us in Godly wisdom. I worked through my childhood traumas and learned to hold Karen’s hurt and hear her pain.This process wasn’t easy, but with 2 willing hearts, it emerged into something powerful and brought us together into a beautiful place of emotional intimacy unlike anything we’d never experienced before. (Into-me-you-see)
Unhindered transparency and vulnerability exposed the ugliest places in our hearts and our inmost hurts, allowing us to be fully known, fully loved, yet accepted by one another.
30 years later, we’d walk along the very same beach where we met. This time, broken but trusting God as we cried oceans of tears in need of Jesus’s healing and grace. He transformed the ashes into something more beautiful than we could ever imagine, ever!
Ashes to beauty
“May integrity and honesty protect me, for I put my hope in you.”
Psalms 25:21 NLT
Our life may not look as pretty as it once did, but that’s ok, it’s so much better because it’s real. Together we continue to embrace our brokenness because it’s what keeps us dependent upon God, not ourselves.
John-He set this captive free!
Karen
He bound up my wounds and Healed my broken heart
John
He set this captive free.
He is enough, more than enough.
He is our victory, JESUS + JOHN + KAREN
We will be celebrating our 35th anniversary Aug 1st, God has blessed us with a wonderful marriage ministry.
And… the coolest part of the story: becoming gran parents together.
Including the twin boys, look what God says below! He is a good good Father!!
“Instead of shame and dishonor, you will enjoy a “double share” of honor. You will possess a “double portion” of prosperity in your land and everlasting joy will be yours.” Isaiah 61:7
TO GOD BE ALL THE GLORY AND PRAISE !!!!!
Johns verse:
“But you John, dress yourself for work; arise, and say to them everything that I command you. Do not be dismayed by them, behold, I make you John this day a fortified city, an iron pillar, and bronze walls, against the whole land. They will fight against you, but they shall not prevail against you, for I am with you John, declares the Lord, to deliver you.”
Jeremiah 1:17-19
Our first anniversary 30 years back together, we spent the day in Costa Mesa at the beach writing about Gods goodness. <3
