Today is my 6th year wedding anniversary. Memories of that perfect day flood back into my head. Tears stream down both my husband’s and my face as we pray together in front of our closest friends. Just the week before my husband worked all day to cut down 8 trees to make an aisle and clear the perfect place for us to say our vows, where we committed our lives to eachother. It was everything I had always dreamed of. My dream designer made a custom dress for me and TLC aired our wedding as the pilot episode for the debut of her new show. My heart was bursting with joy at how special it was to get to be married on the land my husband had grown up on and the place where we had planned to build our forever home.
After reminiscing over the beautiful memories, reality hits. Our divorce will be final this week. Six years to the day, I am secretly packing up my SUV and moving my two little girls and I out of the state. I’m in a daze, numb, and stuck with this erie feeling that I am living someone elses life. The years of abuse, abandonment, and adultry has taken every bit of life out of me. I feel like an empty shell, exhausted with nothing left in me to keep going. I muster up anything I have left in me to smile at my three year old who so desperately needs something from me to ease her mind. She is hypervigilent, just looking for any sign from me that everything is going to be alright.
It hits me. I am this terrified little girl just looking for that same smile from her Heavenly Father to know that everything is going to be okay. Through the chaos and confusion, I hear his gentle whisper, inviting me to just sit with Him. So I sat at my Fathers feet and talked to Him the same way I imagine my daughter would sit at mine. I tell him of all my confusion, questions, anger, disappointments, unfulfilled longings. I tell him my heartache, strongholds, sins, anxieties and fears. I tell him all about the shame and guilt. He answers me with a loving smile and the kindest eyes. He pulls me closer with His strong arms. He tells me “I am your rest. I am your home when you dont have one.I am your Savior. I am your fullfillment. I am bigger than all your circumstances. I am already going before you. You are my Beloved and my Beloved is mine! Even though I have been told of His love my whole life, I am still in awe that the Creator of the Universe wants to lay on this blanket with me and hear my heart.
I know the days that lie ahead might be the hardest that I encounter but when I open the Word the Lord responds with his Living Word. Isaiah 54: 4-6 & 10-13
“Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame.
Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.
You will forget the shame of your youth
and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.
5 For your Maker is your husband—
the Lord Almighty is his name—
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;
he is called the God of all the earth.
6 The Lord will call you back
as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—
a wife who married young,
only to be rejected,” says your God.
Though the mountains be shaken
and the hills be removed,
yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken
nor my covenant of peace be removed,”
says the Lord, who has compassion on you.11 “Afflicted city, lashed by storms and not comforted, I will rebuild you with stones of turquoise,[a] your foundations with lapis lazuli.
12 I will make your battlements of rubies,
your gates of sparkling jewels,
and all your walls of precious stones.
13 All your children will be taught by the Lord,
and great will be their peace.
So when I feel like this terrified child asking, How am I going to provide for these kids? How are they going to grow up without a father? How am I going to do this alone? I have a Father who NEVER leaves and fills me with the Living Word to guide me, love me, comfort me, hold me, know me, and love me better than any human possibly could. He knows the plans he has for us. His plans are better than the ones I have for myself. His plans give me more fullfillement and more satisfaction to life than I could even give myself. He sits in my heartache and mourns with me. He casts out my fear by giving me discerment through His Word. He opens my eyes to truth. He gives HOPE. He gives LIFE. He tells me His promises NEVER FAIL. “For you did not recieve the spirit of bondage again to fear but you recieve the Spirit of adoption by whom we can cry out, “Abba Father.” So even in the midst of one of the most painful days of my life I can rest knowing He has covered my life in His promises and my confidence is found in Him. He goes before me and behind me. There is nothing that comes into my life that God does not see. He reminds me all the ways He has already delivered me. In the dark, His light shined thourough. When Satan’s lies were so loud, he whispered truth to my thristy soul. He held me and lead me to still waters. When he didnt answer the prayers I thought he would – He showed me that His ways are better than mine.
So even when my heart is heavy because my earthly husband has left, I know I dont have to walk this earth alone. He broke so we could be whole. He was mocked so we could be treasured. He was beaten so we could be healed. He was hated so we could be unconditionally loved & accepted. He was stripped naked so we could have dignity. He gave everything, so we could be with Him. My heart is at rest.
